I have been in a dark place lately. I have been consumed with thoughts of my faith, beliefs and belonging. This morning I woke with prayer in my mind. I love it when the first thought that comes to my mind, the first connection I feel with the world before I even open my eyes is of, to and with God. This morning as I was laying there praying I was taking to him again thoughts of to which group of believers do I belong. I was told that I don't belong to either. I belong to Him. I belong to Him. That seems so simple and I should have already known it. I did know it. How had I forgotten something so important?
Worry, thoughts of the world of people and belonging can really take the joy out of a person. My inner most being even though I was still talking to God and reading his word was grey, heavy and felt empty. Today, this morning, my inner most being is heavy and full. Today my inner most being has been pressed down, shaken together and is running over. How is it when you feel so joyful, excited, happy and blessed that you almost can't breathe? That is me this morning. That is because I belong to Him! I belong to Him! I belong to Him!
I don't belong to this group of believers or that group of believers....I belong to Him.
Holy, holy, holy! Lord God Almighty!
Early in the morning our song shall rise to Thee;
Holy, holy, holy, merciful and mighty!
God in three Persons, blessed Trinity!
Holy, holy, holy! All the saints adore Thee,
Casting down their golden crowns around the glassy sea;
Cherubim and seraphim falling down before Thee,
Who was, and is, and evermore shall be.
Holy, holy, holy! though the darkness hide Thee,
Though the eye of sinful man Thy glory may not see;
Only Thou art holy; there is none beside Thee,
Perfect in power, in love, and purity.
Holy, holy, holy! Lord God Almighty!
All Thy works shall praise Thy Name, in earth, and sky, and sea;
Holy, holy, holy; merciful and mighty!
God in three Persons, blessed Trinity!
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Monday, January 3, 2011
Anxiety, Belief, Faith, Baptism, Peace, Fellowship, Anxiety, Submission, back to Peace and Fellowship
I was struggling a couple of months ago with doubts and insecurities in my faith. One night I was visiting with a friend. While I was there she asked me what I meant by being saved, so I told her. She explained to me that the reason for being baptised was for the remission of sins.
Acts 2:38 Then Peter said unto them, Repent, and be baptised every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins, and ye shall receive the gift of the Holy Ghost.
I knew that I had not been baptised for that specific reason. I had been baptised out of obedience and to follow the example of Christ.
Now I do believe:
Eph 2:8 For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: [it is] the gift of God:
Eph 2:9 Not of works, lest any man should boast.
However, I feel that my reasoning for baptism was wrong. So, I was baptised again that night for the completion of my salvation. Immediately I felt a peace that I had not felt before, giving me a surety that I had done the right thing.
I had no intention of leaving the church I attend to attend that church. However, I found my self enjoying with them at that church a more academic study of the Bible than I was receiving.
As time has gone on I have been feeling less sure about what I was doing and where I was going to church. Thinking on these things has been causing me great anxiety, to the point of being sick at my stomach some nights and feeling blue. I have been and continue to pray for clarity and leading in these matters. Last night I told my husband about my anxieties and he said if it would make it easier for me he would go to church with me at our original church from now on.
This of course excites me greatly, even though it is to ease my anxieties. It is an answer to the prayers I've been praying for my husband to return to church with me. I am so excited. I feel this could be the first step to having Bill living his faith with me, teaching our children with me and leading our home. I dream big. :D
Now this church that I was baptised in is a different sort of church than what I have been attending. It has been mentioned perhaps that my want for my husband to come to church could be Satan trying to take me from the church I was baptised in. I also think though that my anxieties and want to my husband to attend church could be God using me to bring my husband him. I bear in mind the word that says:
1Pe 3:1 Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives,
1Pe 3:2 when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear.
I know this to be true because it is without a word from me, my husband is not cussing as much. He is reading the Bible on his own and participating with us in our readings. Now without my asking he is willing to come to church. I did not ask him he said if it would help me he would come. I think that is a good first step and I am walking under him in further submission if he is taking the lead.
One thing I have taken with me out of all of this a greater sense of personal responsibility to study myself and to teach my children not to rely on Sunday School, AWANA and the church preacher to teach me. Now with this new commitment I am prepared to go right back where I started from.
Though some may say,
2Pe 2:21 For it had been better for them not to have known the way of righteousness, than, after they have known [it], to turn from the holy commandment delivered unto them.
2Pe 2:22 But it is happened unto them according to the true proverb, The dog [is] turned to his own vomit again; and the sow that was washed to her wallowing in the mire.
That is not so, I am going back to where I was before, but with a new peace, a new sense of responsibility and with my husband as my lead.
Acts 2:38 Then Peter said unto them, Repent, and be baptised every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins, and ye shall receive the gift of the Holy Ghost.
I knew that I had not been baptised for that specific reason. I had been baptised out of obedience and to follow the example of Christ.
Now I do believe:
Eph 2:8 For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: [it is] the gift of God:
Eph 2:9 Not of works, lest any man should boast.
However, I feel that my reasoning for baptism was wrong. So, I was baptised again that night for the completion of my salvation. Immediately I felt a peace that I had not felt before, giving me a surety that I had done the right thing.
I had no intention of leaving the church I attend to attend that church. However, I found my self enjoying with them at that church a more academic study of the Bible than I was receiving.
As time has gone on I have been feeling less sure about what I was doing and where I was going to church. Thinking on these things has been causing me great anxiety, to the point of being sick at my stomach some nights and feeling blue. I have been and continue to pray for clarity and leading in these matters. Last night I told my husband about my anxieties and he said if it would make it easier for me he would go to church with me at our original church from now on.
This of course excites me greatly, even though it is to ease my anxieties. It is an answer to the prayers I've been praying for my husband to return to church with me. I am so excited. I feel this could be the first step to having Bill living his faith with me, teaching our children with me and leading our home. I dream big. :D
Now this church that I was baptised in is a different sort of church than what I have been attending. It has been mentioned perhaps that my want for my husband to come to church could be Satan trying to take me from the church I was baptised in. I also think though that my anxieties and want to my husband to attend church could be God using me to bring my husband him. I bear in mind the word that says:
1Pe 3:1 Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives,
1Pe 3:2 when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear.
I know this to be true because it is without a word from me, my husband is not cussing as much. He is reading the Bible on his own and participating with us in our readings. Now without my asking he is willing to come to church. I did not ask him he said if it would help me he would come. I think that is a good first step and I am walking under him in further submission if he is taking the lead.
One thing I have taken with me out of all of this a greater sense of personal responsibility to study myself and to teach my children not to rely on Sunday School, AWANA and the church preacher to teach me. Now with this new commitment I am prepared to go right back where I started from.
Though some may say,
2Pe 2:21 For it had been better for them not to have known the way of righteousness, than, after they have known [it], to turn from the holy commandment delivered unto them.
2Pe 2:22 But it is happened unto them according to the true proverb, The dog [is] turned to his own vomit again; and the sow that was washed to her wallowing in the mire.
That is not so, I am going back to where I was before, but with a new peace, a new sense of responsibility and with my husband as my lead.
Our car
Our car started making a grinding noise a few months ago. I thought it could be rocks in the break shoes. Turns out it was the clutch on the air compressor. Bill bought the part and tried to repair it himself. When he found that he couldn't we took the car and the new part to a mechanic for repairs. A week or so ago the car started making the same noise. We started mechanic hopping. Our suspicions were confirmed the part has been ordered and the car goes to the shop on Monday. The car will be repaired to the tune of $300-$500. Our church family has blessed us so much one of our members offered to let us use their car for a day while the car is in the shop. Bill found he could borrow his brother's truck, so he decided to use it instead. Their heart was in the right place. :) My father is sending some money this week for the repairs. Tonight the church gave us a benevolence to go toward fixing the car.
Philippians 4:17 Not because I desire a gift: but I desire fruit that may abound to your account.
Philippians 4:18 But I have all, and abound: I am full, having received of Epaphroditus the things [which were sent]
from you, an odour of a sweet smell, a sacrifice acceptable, well pleasing to God.
Philippians 4:19 But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:17 Not because I desire a gift: but I desire fruit that may abound to your account.
Philippians 4:18 But I have all, and abound: I am full, having received of Epaphroditus the things [which were sent]
from you, an odour of a sweet smell, a sacrifice acceptable, well pleasing to God.
Philippians 4:19 But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.
Living with Intent
Sometimes I am tired of going with the flow and keeping the peace.
I want to live with intent, the intent to do what is right, the intent to obey God
I want to make a mark in my little corner of the world.
I want to show the world I'm strong and resilient.
I want to stand up for what is right, knowing it is right without a doubt.
I want to do things out of pure motive.
I don't want to do them out of selfishness, or fear, because it's easy or because I want to be glorified.
I want to do these things being willing to do what it takes to make it happen.
I want to live with intent, the intent to do what is right, the intent to obey God
I want to make a mark in my little corner of the world.
I want to show the world I'm strong and resilient.
I want to stand up for what is right, knowing it is right without a doubt.
I want to do things out of pure motive.
I don't want to do them out of selfishness, or fear, because it's easy or because I want to be glorified.
I want to do these things being willing to do what it takes to make it happen.
When I was a child...my testimony
1Cr 13:11 When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.
When I was a child I came to the Lord in a quiet time of Bible reading. I read and found someone who had given his all for me and said he would never leave me or forsake me. Wow, did that speak to me!
I was a little girl with a Father, Momma and sisters. We were on an adventure travelling for the summer with a carnival. We were running. I didn't know that until much later. When we were separated my life was turned upside down. My family transformed to a single Mom with three girls living my their grandparents. Later it became a little girl living with her other grandparents. It was when I was living with my other grandparents I came to a time of loneliness and boredom. I had explored every avenue of entertainment I could find and read every book except.....my Bible. I had been to church as a little girl, different churches, different religions. I had my own Bible. I thought to myself, "I've read everything else, why not...."
By the time I had finished reading that day I had found the answer to all my dreams. I found someone who loved me, someone who would never leave me...I was so excited. I went to school the next day and told everyone who would listen that I had been saved. The children looked at me like I was crazy. I learned that day to be more careful who I told. :( I didn't lose my joy. I didn't stop seeking. I kept the faith and tried my best to follow.
I was eventually able to live with my Momma and sisters again. My Momma remarried a wonderful understanding man. It is incredible the family they were able to build out of something that was so broken. I saw have been known to say that I have a yours, mine, ours and theirs sort of family and I'm the theirs. My Momma and Daddy and have done a wonderful job of attempting to help fix the damage that was caused by my Mother and Father. I am so blessed. However I was still broken and seeking.
I wasn't a bad teenager. I was a bit boy crazy, though I didn't have many boyfriends. I imagine I was looking too hard and could be intimidating. LOL I wanted so badly to be loved and accepted. I went to church often and was part of a youth group. I had some wonderful Christian mentors. I recommitted my life to God and was baptised. I lived my life striving to serve God and letting my light shine. I did make some sinful choices though and am so thankful the earthly consequences weren't more severe. I was still broken, seeking and unfulfilled.
I met a young man through a church a friend. We connected right away. He attended church with me; said he was a Christian. We married. I was in heaven. I again found someone who loved me and would never leave me and made him prove it. We fought often, but were committed to making it last and we have.
I have children now. I always wanted children. I wanted a big family, until I started having children. I was pregnant 5 times. I have three children. I love my children very much. I learned about myself early on that one of the original reasons I wanted to have children was because they would always love and never leave me. Guess what, while they may love me forever, they are going to leave....sigh. As I have grown, matured and still strived to follow Christ, I am surprised sometimes to see how deluded I was.
All this time I was striving to follow Christ I was doing so because I knew of the sacrifice he made. I knew he would never leave me, but somehow that was never enough. Because while my mind knew, my heart never really knew. Recently while talking to some friends about my past, being saved, following Christ, etc. I learned that while my mind knew Christ and I was doing good and right things. I was teaching my children about Christ. My mind knew Christ, but my heart and spirit didn't. All this time I thought I was saved....................
I was lost.
That night while talking to my friends they showed me through the scriptures how what I was doing was good and right, but I was doing them all for the wrong reasons. I was doing them all so that I would never be left or forsaken. I was not doing them all because I loved God. I was not doing them because of the sacrifice that his son made for me when he died on the cross and rose again on the third day. I was not baptised for the remission of my sins. I was baptised because I thought it was the right thing to do, an act of obedience so that a loving, merciful God would never leave or forsake me.
That night I accepted Jesus as my Lord and savior. That night I repented of my wrong motives and sins. That night I was baptise for the remission of my sins.
I have never felt such freedom in Christ! I have never felt such love from God! I have never felt such acceptance!
Now I am redeemed. Now I am a new creation in Christ.
2Cr 5:17 Therefore if any man [be] in Christ, [he is] a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.
Now things are really changing and it is hard. Please pray for me.
When I was a child I came to the Lord in a quiet time of Bible reading. I read and found someone who had given his all for me and said he would never leave me or forsake me. Wow, did that speak to me!
I was a little girl with a Father, Momma and sisters. We were on an adventure travelling for the summer with a carnival. We were running. I didn't know that until much later. When we were separated my life was turned upside down. My family transformed to a single Mom with three girls living my their grandparents. Later it became a little girl living with her other grandparents. It was when I was living with my other grandparents I came to a time of loneliness and boredom. I had explored every avenue of entertainment I could find and read every book except.....my Bible. I had been to church as a little girl, different churches, different religions. I had my own Bible. I thought to myself, "I've read everything else, why not...."
By the time I had finished reading that day I had found the answer to all my dreams. I found someone who loved me, someone who would never leave me...I was so excited. I went to school the next day and told everyone who would listen that I had been saved. The children looked at me like I was crazy. I learned that day to be more careful who I told. :( I didn't lose my joy. I didn't stop seeking. I kept the faith and tried my best to follow.
I was eventually able to live with my Momma and sisters again. My Momma remarried a wonderful understanding man. It is incredible the family they were able to build out of something that was so broken. I saw have been known to say that I have a yours, mine, ours and theirs sort of family and I'm the theirs. My Momma and Daddy and have done a wonderful job of attempting to help fix the damage that was caused by my Mother and Father. I am so blessed. However I was still broken and seeking.
I wasn't a bad teenager. I was a bit boy crazy, though I didn't have many boyfriends. I imagine I was looking too hard and could be intimidating. LOL I wanted so badly to be loved and accepted. I went to church often and was part of a youth group. I had some wonderful Christian mentors. I recommitted my life to God and was baptised. I lived my life striving to serve God and letting my light shine. I did make some sinful choices though and am so thankful the earthly consequences weren't more severe. I was still broken, seeking and unfulfilled.
I met a young man through a church a friend. We connected right away. He attended church with me; said he was a Christian. We married. I was in heaven. I again found someone who loved me and would never leave me and made him prove it. We fought often, but were committed to making it last and we have.
I have children now. I always wanted children. I wanted a big family, until I started having children. I was pregnant 5 times. I have three children. I love my children very much. I learned about myself early on that one of the original reasons I wanted to have children was because they would always love and never leave me. Guess what, while they may love me forever, they are going to leave....sigh. As I have grown, matured and still strived to follow Christ, I am surprised sometimes to see how deluded I was.
All this time I was striving to follow Christ I was doing so because I knew of the sacrifice he made. I knew he would never leave me, but somehow that was never enough. Because while my mind knew, my heart never really knew. Recently while talking to some friends about my past, being saved, following Christ, etc. I learned that while my mind knew Christ and I was doing good and right things. I was teaching my children about Christ. My mind knew Christ, but my heart and spirit didn't. All this time I thought I was saved....................
I was lost.
That night while talking to my friends they showed me through the scriptures how what I was doing was good and right, but I was doing them all for the wrong reasons. I was doing them all so that I would never be left or forsaken. I was not doing them all because I loved God. I was not doing them because of the sacrifice that his son made for me when he died on the cross and rose again on the third day. I was not baptised for the remission of my sins. I was baptised because I thought it was the right thing to do, an act of obedience so that a loving, merciful God would never leave or forsake me.
That night I accepted Jesus as my Lord and savior. That night I repented of my wrong motives and sins. That night I was baptise for the remission of my sins.
I have never felt such freedom in Christ! I have never felt such love from God! I have never felt such acceptance!
Now I am redeemed. Now I am a new creation in Christ.
2Cr 5:17 Therefore if any man [be] in Christ, [he is] a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.
Now things are really changing and it is hard. Please pray for me.
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