When I was a child...my testimony

1Cr 13:11 When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.

When I was a child I came to the Lord in a quiet time of Bible reading. I read and found someone who had given his all for me and said he would never leave me or forsake me. Wow, did that speak to me!

I was a little girl with a Father, Momma and sisters. We were on an adventure travelling for the summer with a carnival. We were running. I didn't know that until much later. When we were separated my life was turned upside down. My family transformed to a single Mom with three girls living my their grandparents. Later it became a little girl living with her other grandparents. It was when I was living with my other grandparents I came to a time of loneliness and boredom. I had explored every avenue of entertainment I could find and read every book except.....my Bible. I had been to church as a little girl, different churches, different religions. I had my own Bible. I thought to myself, "I've read everything else, why not...."

By the time I had finished reading that day I had found the answer to all my dreams. I found someone who loved me, someone who would never leave me...I was so excited. I went to school the next day and told everyone who would listen that I had been saved. The children looked at me like I was crazy. I learned that day to be more careful who I told. :( I didn't lose my joy. I didn't stop seeking. I kept the faith and tried my best to follow.

I was eventually able to live with my Momma and sisters again. My Momma remarried a wonderful understanding man. It is incredible the family they were able to build out of something that was so broken. I saw have been known to say that I have a yours, mine, ours and theirs sort of family and I'm the theirs. My Momma and Daddy and have done a wonderful job of attempting to help fix the damage that was caused by my Mother and Father. I am so blessed. However I was still broken and seeking.

I wasn't a bad teenager. I was a bit boy crazy, though I didn't have many boyfriends. I imagine I was looking too hard and could be intimidating. LOL I wanted so badly to be loved and accepted. I went to church often and was part of a youth group. I had some wonderful Christian mentors. I recommitted my life to God and was baptised. I lived my life striving to serve God and letting my light shine. I did make some sinful choices though and am so thankful the earthly consequences weren't more severe. I was still broken, seeking and unfulfilled.

I met a young man through a church a friend. We connected right away. He attended church with me; said he was a Christian. We married. I was in heaven. I again found someone who loved me and would never leave me and made him prove it. We fought often, but were committed to making it last and we have.

I have children now. I always wanted children. I wanted a big family, until I started having children. I was pregnant 5 times. I have three children. I love my children very much. I learned about myself early on that one of the original reasons I wanted to have children was because they would always love and never leave me. Guess what, while they may love me forever, they are going to leave....sigh. As I have grown, matured and still strived to follow Christ, I am surprised sometimes to see how deluded I was.

All this time I was striving to follow Christ I was doing so because I knew of the sacrifice he made. I knew he would never leave me, but somehow that was never enough. Because while my mind knew, my heart never really knew. Recently while talking to some friends about my past, being saved, following Christ, etc. I learned that while my mind knew Christ and I was doing good and right things. I was teaching my children about Christ. My mind knew Christ, but my heart and spirit didn't. All this time I thought I was saved....................
I was lost.

That night while talking to my friends they showed me through the scriptures how what I was doing was good and right, but I was doing them all for the wrong reasons. I was doing them all so that I would never be left or forsaken. I was not doing them all because I loved God. I was not doing them because of the sacrifice that his son made for me when he died on the cross and rose again on the third day. I was not baptised for the remission of my sins. I was baptised because I thought it was the right thing to do, an act of obedience so that a loving, merciful God would never leave or forsake me.

That night I accepted Jesus as my Lord and savior. That night I repented of my wrong motives and sins. That night I was baptise for the remission of my sins.

I have never felt such freedom in Christ! I have never felt such love from God! I have never felt such acceptance!
Now I am redeemed. Now I am a new creation in Christ.

2Cr 5:17 Therefore if any man [be] in Christ, [he is] a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.

Now things are really changing and it is hard. Please pray for me.